I've always been hesitant about posting really personal things, but I figure what is the point of having an outlet if you don't use it?

I don't care who reads this. You can think that I'm being dramatic, emo, seeking pity, whatever. I'm writing down my thoughts and feelings as they come to me, because I don't know what else to do with them.

You don't have to worry about how I'm feeling or feel like you need to comment and say you're sorry or call to see how I'm doing. I'll be ok. This is just me now.



After I hung up the phone, the wallpaper of a picture of us popped up. I looked at it and I started crying. Not weeping or bawling. Not even sniffles. Just slow-building tears that rolled out the corner of my eye. They came from the feeling of gentle heartbreak. What an oxymoron.

But I guess all this time I refused to believe the things I didn't want to admit might be true. Maybe there is no happy ending. And maybe all this time won't have amounted to anything other than what it was. I don't think I'm ok with that, but what can you do?

I told him that I love him. That he was an important part of my life and that it's scary to have something that matters that much to you be so unknown. It does feel like I have no say in what will happen to us. I know what I want, but that doesn't really seem to matter anymore.

You can't convince someone to love you. You shouldn't. It should come from genuine feelings. But when do you draw the line and realize that waiting just won't do anymore? If it hasn't happened yet, it probably never will.

That's where the tears came from. Finally accepting that all the wishful thinking was for naught. Maybe it's time to wake up and stop kidding yourself and stop hoping for things that will never happen.

I don't know if this means I'm giving up. I don't know if I can let myself do that, but I'm pretty close.