it cannot wait

I'm Yours




(This isn't the real video, but I like this version better.)

speaking of money

This is great stuff. Thanks to Regina for the link.

My favorites are probably:

Emo Abe

Wolverine George

Is it legal to draw on money like that?

oh yea

I remembered what I was going to say.

Last Friday, plans to attend a double feature were thwarted by the tardiness of he-who-shall-remain-nameless, but we did watch Harold & Kumar. And the best part of the movie was The Square Root of Three.

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

If Ironman has a poem as awesome as this, that would be fantastic.


Also, on Monday I ate at Schultzy's with Lawrence. We had happy hour chili dogs and their awesome fries. It would have been great if he didn't pick his nose so much.

That is all.

she works hard for the money

I opened a bank account today. Before this I kept all my cash in a few red envelopes in a drawer in my room. I think at one point I accumulated around $1500 in there. Not too safe.

Anyways, now that I have a debit card, my money doesn't feel real anymore. I find it easier to control my spending with cash because I can physically see how much I have left. Now it's all gone! OK, well, actually I only put half of my cash in the bank. There is still a drawer full of cash in my room. Baby steps!

shoot.

I was thinking of what I wanted to write in my blog today, but now I can't remember what it was.

Isn't that annoying?

last day of the month to prune your trees!

I always thought that doing things on certain days was some weird Chinese superstition, but I guess the farmers believe this stuff too.

April 28 is also a good day to castrate farm animals.

Other things that are best to do today:

• mow to retard growth
• harvest
• potty train

And just to save you some time, tomorrow is a good day to:

• cut hair to retard growth
• castrate farm animals
• dig post holes
• harvest
• wean
• quit smoking
• potty train
• jams/jellies
• wash wooden floors
• paint
• start diet to lose weight

S-T-O-P!

My latest peeve is when people spell in their songs. For example:

• "This shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s"
• repeat offender F to the E-R-G the I the E with "g-l-a-m-o-r-o-u-s, yea"
  
• "can you fix my h-e-a-r-t, cuz it's d-a-m-a-g-e-d"
• "p-h-a-t phat, baby girl I didn't know you could get down like that"
  
• and that annoying as hell song that they only play on x104 (thank goodness) about being "i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t"

even our beloved Mimi* is guilty, looking for some "c-r-u-i-s-e control"


This all started with a farmer and his dog. B-i-n-g-o.

I will admit I laughed at this though







*E=MC^2 is a great album. Anything where Mariah rhymes "drama" with "baby mama" is fantastic stuff.

decisions decisions

OK, first I feel I need to warn you.

I am absolutely spoiled rotten.


Now that that's out of the way, here is my birthday present from my mom:

(They put the receipt in an envelop that says "the damage." hehe.)

She told me to pick one. So help me choose!

Gucci?

Prada #1?



Prada #2?

The deal with Prada #2 is that I am completely in love with them, but they hurt a little bit and are the most expensive. Like a lot more. So I almost want to rule them out, but then I look at this:

Swarovski-encrusted heel. sigh.

I've always been hesitant about posting really personal things, but I figure what is the point of having an outlet if you don't use it?

I don't care who reads this. You can think that I'm being dramatic, emo, seeking pity, whatever. I'm writing down my thoughts and feelings as they come to me, because I don't know what else to do with them.

You don't have to worry about how I'm feeling or feel like you need to comment and say you're sorry or call to see how I'm doing. I'll be ok. This is just me now.



After I hung up the phone, the wallpaper of a picture of us popped up. I looked at it and I started crying. Not weeping or bawling. Not even sniffles. Just slow-building tears that rolled out the corner of my eye. They came from the feeling of gentle heartbreak. What an oxymoron.

But I guess all this time I refused to believe the things I didn't want to admit might be true. Maybe there is no happy ending. And maybe all this time won't have amounted to anything other than what it was. I don't think I'm ok with that, but what can you do?

I told him that I love him. That he was an important part of my life and that it's scary to have something that matters that much to you be so unknown. It does feel like I have no say in what will happen to us. I know what I want, but that doesn't really seem to matter anymore.

You can't convince someone to love you. You shouldn't. It should come from genuine feelings. But when do you draw the line and realize that waiting just won't do anymore? If it hasn't happened yet, it probably never will.

That's where the tears came from. Finally accepting that all the wishful thinking was for naught. Maybe it's time to wake up and stop kidding yourself and stop hoping for things that will never happen.

I don't know if this means I'm giving up. I don't know if I can let myself do that, but I'm pretty close.

clean

I got home today after a sweaty day at work (basically in a kitchen all day in very unseasonable 80 degree weather), staggered into my absolutely disgusting room, and couldn't stand it any longer. So I cleaned.

I tackled the pile of travel things that had been sitting on my floor since I got back from China (2 weeks ago). I sorted through school paperwork from last quarter. I wiped off the whiteboard marker message my brother left on my mirror the last time he was home for a visit. I threw out my years-old sparkly lipglosses that I really should not be wearing now anyways. I opened up the cabinet under my sink and tossed old lotions, sprays, and perfumes that I haven't touched since I packed them up from our old house. I washed my makeup brushes and watched weeks of color go down the drain. I lost all sentimental value for ticket stubs, knick-knacks, pretty gift packages, and other crap that I forgot I even had. I took a long, cool shower and scrubbed off the layer of concealer and powder stuck to my face.

And it was right around then that I realized I really needed this. I'd become so used to being a packrat that I didn't even realize when I was holding onto something because I really wanted to keep it or because I just didn't want to throw it away. And yes, there is a difference.
Usually when I throw things away I'm struck with this terrible guilt for wasting things or always saying "I'll save it for later" and completely forgetting about it. But today it felt really good. Not just because my room seems twice as big now and I can see the carpet again, but because I was able to let go of things that at one point I thought I really needed. I feel so much lighter now.

I know over the course of the next few weeks and months the cycle is going to start over and things will continue to accumulate, but for the moment I'm just enjoying the good place that I'm in. I'm not worrying about anything except the things I really need right now. Scratch that, I'm not worrying about anything. And it's a really good feeling.